Why Grandma, What A Load Of...

Now, I know you're supposed to love your family unconditionally, but my Granny makes it very hard for me to love her. We're having family round for a late Christmas lunch today, and my Granny immediately made her presence known. I was sitting in the lounge with my cousins, Uncle and Granny, when my uncle says;

'Elton John's had a baby, you know'

At this my Granny looks taken aback and replies

'But I thought he was a queer'

'Well they used a surrogate mother...'

'Well I think it's all wrong bla bla blaaaaaa'

... Now I didn't realise my Granny was homophobic, and I know she's an old lady and came from a generation were they weren't very accepting but my Grandma and Grandpa on my Mum's side are the same age and are a lot more accepting, and it made me very cool towards her for the rest of the day.

There's also her obsession with cats.

I have a cat called Grettle, who's a beautiful calico with the brain the size of a pea and the same amount of energy as Hammy from Over The Hedge. Last year my Granny was stalking Grettle around the house so the cat took refuge in my room. Nobody goes in my room without my say so, but yet my Granny dared to enter. I told my Mum about this and she had a word with my Granny.

'Olwen (that's my Granny's name), she doesn't really like people going in her room'

'Oh, but she was fine with it, she didn't seem to mind...'

'Well, she's too polite to say but...'

'... she was letting me fuss her and purring'

'Olwen, CHLOE doesn't like people going in her room'

Anyway, that concludes my rant.

Peace out, see ya! xx

The Ugly Duckling

So today my dear mother decided it would be a nice idea for us to have a family trip to the Southbank in London. Yes, a trip to a river IN THE FREEZING COLD! *sigh*
So anyway, we arrived on the day of the German Christmas Market and I toyed with the idea of buying a hat in the shape of a tiger, but decided against it upon realising I would look like un grand fool.

Any Londoner will know that any tourist trap area will be lined with street performers, mainly people covered in silver paint standing very still until some little kid drops 10p at their feet, something they respond to by patting said child on the head before resuming their original position. Seriously, what a pointless job. Do you think at school when asked what they want to be when they grow up they said 'someone who dresses up like an idiot and stands still'? Something tells me no.

There were of course other street performers, including an Elvis on stilts and TWO Mickey Mice. I also happened to see a Donald Duck, minus his fake head, smoking and talking on his mobile. Thank you, whoever you are, for ruining the childhood of any little kid who was walking past. I thought it would make a nice photo, Donald's smiling head lying forlornly on the pavement, his body with an ugly bald head poking out of the neck hole standing in the background. Sadly, I didn't have a camera. Oh well.

Peace out, see ya! xx

Perpetual Motion

I volunteer at my local Cancer Research charity shop every Saturday, helping out with fun tasks such as sorting through donations, pricing clothes and, today, mopping the shop floor. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to mop a shop floor on a snow day, but let me tell you it is a never ending task. As soon as you've mopped up the last of the muddy footprints, another person walks in, tries (and fails) to wipe their shoes on the doormat, before proceeding to traipse across the floor you have meticulously cleaned. It's very frustrating. One woman in particular didn't even bother with the doormat, meaning I spent the duration of her shopping stalking her, cleaning up after her. I felt a bit like a ninja with a mop. She left after not too long, I might I freaked her out a little bit, but hey, the floor's got to be mopped!

After I finished my shift, I realised I faced the prospect of walking home in the snow without an umbrella or any other form of protection from the evil of snow. I arrived home looking like a snowman, numb from cold, shivering like plucked chicken, and raised one practically frostbitten finger to the doorbell and just about summoned the strength to push the little white button. The door almost immediately opened to reveal my 11 year old brother. He took one look at me and burst out laughing.
I love my life.

Peace out, see ya! xx

She's Behind You!

The festive season is upon us, and so is that well loved tradition, PANTO!! Yes, the theatrical experience when the audience is encouraged to behave like a bunch of apes while the cast struggle to be heard over them. For some reason, the Drama department at my school decided that it would make a great mock GSCE for us to put on our own panto! Joy.

So basically, for the past eight weeks, me and the rest of my class have been slaving over a panto version of Little Red Riding Hood, with me as Mrs Wolf, the villain (going off the topic here, but I love my face paint, I refuse to remove it until absolutely necessary). It's so much more fun to play the villain!

Today was our performance, our audience was Year 7, that's 11-12 year olds. All was going well, with the exception of the fact that we were two cast members down (due to flu(oooh, that rhymes)), until it came to throwing sweets into the audience. Now, this year group in particular are very excitable, so naturally throwing sugary things at them probably wasn't the best idea. It took about 2 minutes for them to calm down, during which time the cast on stage tried to get through their lines. It went... ok after that, apart from everyone forgetting the last scene, resulting in a hasty bow and legging it off the stage.

I never want to do a panto again, it's too stressful.

On a completely unrelated note, it snowed a lot today. I don't like snow.

Peace out, see ya! x

I Talk To God As Much As I Talk To Satan...

...cause I want to hear both sides.

Before you get excited Biffy Clyro fans, I am not a mega-fan, I merely liked those lyrics and thought they sounded like a good title :P
For those of you who have no idea who Biffy Clyro are, don't worry, it's not important, feel free to Youtube them if you want.

So, bonjour (as they say in France) and welcome to this little window into my mediocre life. I am an English teenager who lives in the suburbs of London. I like to act and paint. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I live by the motto 'everything will be alright in the end, if it's not alright, it's not the end'. I say the wrong thing at the wrong time nearly always and I love a good argument. For example, I start arguments with random Youtubers for the sake of it because, hey, I'm never gonna meet them! :P

In fact, that is what lead me to discovering those Biffy Clyro lyrics. If you've been watching XFactor, you will know that yesterday Matt Cardle (<3) won, with a cover of a Biffy Clyro song 'Many of Horror' which XFactor re-named 'When We Collide'. Now personally, I don't see a problem with this but Biffy Clyro fans commenting on the Youtube video were livid. So, naturally, I decided to wind them up a bit. I won't post what I wrote coz finding all the separate post would take half my life, but here are some choice comments by fans of Biffy;

'MATT CARDLE IS A BELLEND!' (do excessive capitals make the little voice in your head shout? Mine was doing a lot of that when it read through the comments)

'matt cardle ought to be shot for that key change' (bit extreme, these Biffy fans are a violent bunch)

'i <3 biffy and hes DEAD. murdered by some heartless fool who added a key change. BOOOO' (Biffy isn't dead, I googled it)

and the only sensible comment on the whole video, that I could be bothered to find;

'why are all the comments on this about matt from xfactor? sure he covered it. but seriously, go comment on HIS version?'


Personall I love Matt, and XFactor. And I realise this blog post has been boring, but I wanted to say something and felt this would be the best place to say it.

Peace out dudes, see you again xxx